


As the Shen-Gong-Wu Turns

by Silvarbelle



Category: Xiaolin Showdown (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-07
Updated: 2011-10-07
Packaged: 2017-10-24 09:20:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/261707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silvarbelle/pseuds/Silvarbelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This came about after CS and I watched "The Good, the Bad, the El Tigre!" and I admitted I could see Django as Jack's monster-form after he struck a deal with Hannibal Roy Bean.  THEN I pondered: what if Wuya (Susan Silo voiced her as well as Sartana of the Dead) was somehow Jack's (voiced by Danny Cooksey, who played Django) beloved evil Granny?  And CS thought it would be funny if it was set in our Diary sandbox and, well...  Yeah.  Just a silly little romp through the acid trip of our minds.  Imagine what we'd be like if we really DID do drugs!</p>
            </blockquote>





	As the Shen-Gong-Wu Turns

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Immortal – And Still Not Enough Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/208505) by [CrystallicSky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystallicSky/pseuds/CrystallicSky), [Silvarbelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silvarbelle/pseuds/Silvarbelle). 



or All My [Illegitimate] Children

or Xiaolin Showdown: Soap Opera of the Damned

or The Bold and the Batshit Insane

 

Wuya: HAHAHAHAHAAAA! YES! It is I, Wuya, as your beloved Granny, Jack!

Jack: Where.... where is a rampaging monster when you need one? I must DIE this instant.

Chase:..................Spicer, does this change things now that we both know I at one time had relations with your grandmother? o.0

Jack: ...................SOMEONE KILL ME, PLEASE.

Chase: Also, she's still interested in me, so...your grandmother is trying to steal your lover... *facepalm* This is a goddamn soap opera.

Wuya: I really wish you hadn't stopped, either, Chase – holy shit, man, you are HUNG. Jack, knowing this, how the HELL do you sit down on ANY surface?

Jack: No KIDDING. I thought there was going to be a big reveal about how Guan could sense who she was and so took steps to ensure that I am not actually blood-related to her, causing her plan to fail.

Guan: O.O How the FUCK did you KNOW?

Jack: ...............WHAT.

Dojo: It's the Sands of Time. All that mucking about with time will eventually implant nuggets of memory and might-have-been memory into integral characters' heads.

Chase: EXPLAIN, Guan!

Jack: Oh, fuck THIS. I need candy and pudding before I can deal with this crap. *wanders away for some and returns for the story*

Guan: *deep breath* I could sense Wuya's aura. She disguised herself, but it was still her. So, when her son was born, I saw to it he was sterilized. When he married, I... put him into a deep sleep and ensured his wife got with child instead.

Everyone else: O.O

Guan: Jack is MY son, and no relation to Wuya.

Jack: OH GOD NO, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—

Chase: *is deeply, desperately torn between screaming in horror and LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF*

Kimiko: So... how come he turned out looking like THAT?

Guan: It has to do with the magic that has kept me alive for 1,500 years plus his mother’s heavy drug use at the time.

Jack: Seriously. You're not going to try and be part of my life now, are you? Or like, insist we rule the world in Xiaolin goodness as father and son? 'cause I'm not converting for you and I SURE as hell don't want to play baseball in the temple yard with you. o.o

Guan: Are you sure? Because I'd much rather that happen than you keep having immoral relations with my arch enemy.

Jack: Yeah, I'd rather die. No offense, but I evolved beyond the need for a father right around the time who I THOUGHT was my dad stopped paying attention to me and I sure as hell don't need somebody like you in my life telling me what a disappointment I am, too.

Guan: Well, it's true; you are kind of a let-down.

Clay: Okay, hold up. If Guan sterilized Wuya's kid – and, God, it makes m' skin crawl to know somebody actually knocked her up – then why was it necessary to have relations with the boy's wife?

Wuya: Because I'd have killed my son and started over again had I known.

Jack: Ahhhh, well, maybe there is something comforting about that. It's basically the same thing I get from my not-real dad, but you're around more. Do whatever you want, but we're not friends now and I will NOT stop doing the hibbety-gibbety with your arch enemy.

Monks: *GAPE*

Chase: I, for one, am glad to hear THAT. Also...? This new knowledge just makes it THAT MUCH MORE AWESOME to fuck you, Jack!

Guan: Filthy pervert! Keep your wong out of my boy!

Jack: Apparently, I've been fucking you to get back at daddy for not coming to my ballet recitals. You ARE the classic bad boy, and he DOES hate you... I'd say this could totally work. *nods*

Chase: *pounces on Jack and starts molesting him RIGHT THERE*

Guan: *incoherent growl of rage*

Wuya: Y'know... this is really doing something for me.

Jack: *stops* Dude. That's kind of wrong. Up until a few minutes ago, you thought I was your grandson. o.0

Wuya: Yes? And? I come from a time when brothers married sisters to ensure the family line stayed put. Fathers married daughters, mothers their sons... you get the picture, I'm sure.

Jack: I do and now I'm worried that my 'dad' is pissed off right now. He's from the same era, right? So he's either mad that his hated enemy is molesting me or HE wants to get in on the action and he's jealous. o.o

Chase: Probably a mix of both. Who wouldn't want to touch this moonstone skin?

Guan: *VIBRANTLY GUILTY EXPRESSION*

Jack: ................and before this, I'd have answered that question with 'nobody but you,' but what the HELL, Guan?! D=

Omi: And if you must touch sleek young boy flesh, why not MINE?

Everyone: O.O

Omi: UM.

Jack: WHOA, for somebody who can't master slang, I should NOT be so surprised that you don't understand subtlety either.

Raimundo: Holy SHIT, but did the puberty fairy pick NOW to hit Omi?

Dojo: Looks like 'fairy' is the operative word, but yes.

Chase: *has tucked his face into Jack's neck and is doing his best to muffle his giggles*

Jack: And isn't Omi, like, your great-great-great-great-etc. nephew, Chase? I thought he was part of Dashi's line.

Wuya: Yes, that proves you're not descended from me: your RAMPANT STUPIDITY! WHAT did we just say about family ties, Jack?!

Jack: I'm not saying it's wrong! All I'm saying is, these damn family trees are crazy as hell!

Jack: This isn't even a love triangle at this point. It's some kind of six dimensional object now.

Chase: That's okay; there's a reason Dashi, Guan, and I look so similar. We share the same grandfather.

Jack: ............HOW related are you and I then? If it's really close, I might be creeped out. o.o

Wuya: And Dashi and Chase share the same parents who are brother and sister. They're each other's uncles and nephews!

Jack: OH MY GOD, this is fucked up. I need, like, a DIAGRAM for this.

Chase: Well, now that I know.... we're cousins, Jack.

Jack: Ugh. Well...marrying cousins isn't illegal everywhere, right?

Clay: The ol' family tree don't FORK much, is what yer gettin' at.

Jack: No, apparently, it LOOPS.

Kimiko: Like a curly straw.

Chase: Are you kidding? In the U.S. alone, there are more states where you can marry your cousin than a gay partner!

Jack: Well. We weren't RAISED as cousins. We don't look anything like each other. I don't THINK of you as my cousin. Yeah, fine, this can still work. So long as somebody doesn't come out and tell me we're somehow brothers, too.

Wuya: So now isn't the time to tell you that *I* am Dashi and Chase's mother?

Everyone: ...................

Wuya: HA! Just fuckin' with ya. I'm not, really.

Jack: Oh, god DAMN you, Wuya, that's not funny! This is hard enough to follow without THAT.

Raimundo: Screw you, that was FUNNY. The LOOK on your face, dude! XD

Jack: Wait. Wait, wait, wait. I have a half-brother SUPPOSEDLY by my father. *STARE at Guan* Did you knock up anybody else?

Guan: Um. She was a lovely young lady, and incredibly distressed by her lover's callous attitude toward her, and I was keeping an eye on Wuya's son's whereabouts to ensure—

Jack: Oh, god DAMMIT. Now, I have to call Francis and tell him we're all inbred.

Dojo: Horniest monk EVER. *points at Guan*

Chase: I'm sure he knows, Jack.

Jack: Well, at least HE'S screwing outside the family. God, I didn't know I was such a hick. I thought you couldn't get any worse than pig-fucker over there *gestures to Clay* but there's nothing more white trash than hooking up with your cousin.

Clay: Yeah, thanks, that's EXACTLY enough o' that, Mr. You Are Your Own Nephew.

Kimiko: WAIT a minute. How'd Frankie end up with an affinity towards Fire if Guan is a Wind user?

Dojo: Possibly 'cause Chase got to her first.

Jack: Oh, suck a corkscrew pig-dick.

Jack: OH WTF NOW.

Chase: I did?

Jack: I thought you used protection with womenfolk. o.o

Dojo: It was the early 80s and you accidentally discovered cocaine for the first time.

Chase: Yeah, I – oh! Oh, yes, now I remember. Vaguely. Some rave club with strobe lights and smells and tasty drinks and I was so hard I could have fucked titanium to pieces. Some young lady stumbled into me and, well... I do recall the ceiling caving in from where I had her up against the nearest wall. We finished off in the rubble.

Jack: Oh, fucksticks. So, Frankie's not even my brother, he's my brother-IN-LAW. I think. SHIT, this is messed up, do you guys EVER stop fucking?

Wuya, Chase, Guan: No.

Dojo: Actually, he IS somewhat your brother. The girl had just fucked Martin Spicer in the men's room and then Chase's super sperm got in there and vitalized the dead cells.

Kimiko: Oh-em-GEE, Dojo, but you know WAY too much about this!

Dojo: HELLO, Ancient Dragon, here! I got NOTHIN' ELSE to occupy my time!

Jack: Yeah...okay. Right. I need to go get very drunk now before I find out that Chase fucked my mom while on LSD and I'm actually HIS son.

Chase: No, I've never touched your mother. Not for lack of HER trying, though. Ever since she became aware of my existence, she's been trying to seduce me away from you – or, rather, have me and then send me back to you. Ha! I should kill her for that insult alone.

Guan: No, no – you're definitely MY son. I made sure of that. Quite a few times, actually.

Jack: OH MY GOD FUCK THIS. SERIOUSLY, FUCK THIS. FUCK EVERYTHING. That's all you people do: you fuck everything! If it moves, or is drunk and passed out, you will fuck it. You are sex-whores, all of you.

Chase: A status which serves YOU in good stead. *rubs against him suggestively*

Jack: Dude. Not until I'm drunk enough to kill all the brain cells with which I learned this. That, or somebody has to punch me in the head until I forget at least HALF of this.

Monks: Okay! *start prowling forward*

Chase: *DRAGON FORMS and snarls fire at them as he stands protectively in front of Jack* DO NOT EVEN FUCKING DARE!

Jack: *starts trudging off* I need the Sands of Time. I have to go back and provide people with condoms because this family tree has to branch at least ONCE.

Dojo: Sorry, but the Sands of Time is currently off in limbo somewhere. The best you can do is go get quietly drunk and thank your lucky stars that Chase is only your cousin at two removes.

Jack: Nuh-uh, I have a TIME MACHINE, bro, AND it goes both ways now. *eyes everyone on the scene* Which can apparently be said for all of the people here.

Wuya: Oh, come on, Jack – I know you're not actually my blood relation, but I did teach you to sling better arrows than THAT.

Jack: It was not meant as an insult, just an observation.

Kimiko: Also: HELLO! Are you STUPID? *gestures at Chase, still dragon-formed* Romantic Gesture of the Century from the PRINCE OF EVIL, and you IGNORE him????

Omi: Oh, yes! I would surely love to be cherished and protected as fiercely. *makes come hither eyes at Guan*

Raimundo: Anybody else's skin crawlin'?

Jack: I'm in shock! I just found out that my dad isn't my dad, Wuya was trying to be, but ultimately wasn't my grandmother, my half-brother is...I don't even KNOW anymore, and top it all off, I'm apparently fucking my cousin! I...I...Shit, I need to go lay down for awhile.

Chase: You go do that, xin ai. I'll be along once I've booted them all out of our home.

Jack: *wanders away and flops somewhere* FUCK EVERYTHING UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

Everyone else: HO SHIT—! *is scattered and splattered as Chase, pissed off on his and Jack's behalf, attacks*

Jack: *calls Diol in* Fetch me alcohol please, the strongest you have. Apparently, I'm inbred as fuck, so maybe some moonshine.

Diol: Sure thing, Bubba-Bo-Bob-Jack.

Jack: Fuck off; you were part of an ancient civilization, too! I bet you had some relatives who kept it in the family.

Diol: Ha! For your information, my mother IS my sister – as well as the mother of OUR children!

Jack: ASFGSFHWERDFGKLSFDV. EVERYBODY. SERIOUSLY, EVERYBODY, OH MY GOD.

Diol: It was a small village to begin with. Then, a plague struck, and... well....

Jack: Don't. Fucking. CARE. BOOZE ME. NOW.

Diol: *goes to fetch, laughing*

 

(The authors would like to make it clear that this collaborative effort was just them being silly, and this fic should not be taken seriously as part of the Diary sandbox that was previously created.)


End file.
